


Fucking Lousy Customer Service

by Runan



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Exhibitionism, M/M, Nookworms, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 08:07:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2184204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Runan/pseuds/Runan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat needs a new husktop.  Some poor service rep is about to find out why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fucking Lousy Customer Service

**Author's Note:**

> I...have no idea.

So I’m talking to my asshole best friend Sollux, right—on Trollian, I mean, over the computer—and suddenly he says “Hey KK, open your viewscreen.”

KK’s what he calls me, by the way, because he’s huge fucking nerd with a fetish for stupid nicknames. Especially if you’ve got two of the same letter in your name, god, he practically creams his pants.

Anyway. I open my viewscreen and my ganderbulbs are suddenly assaulted by this...this... _thing_. Picture, if you will, the prolapsed rectum of a severely constipated musclebeast. Now picture it writhing and covered in slime. Give it a row of pustules on each side for good measure. There you go, there’s a brand new mental image to haunt you for the rest of your existence. You’re welcome.

And I think it’s _perfectly fucking reasonable_ to freak out a little when you see something like that, okay? That’s a _normal reaction_ that any _normal troll_ would have, but apparently Sollux Captor thinks normal is fucking hilarious because have I mentioned that he is an unspeakable freak of nature? The very concept of normality is beyond of reach of his sad, spindly grasping appendages. So yeah, he basically sat there for the next five minutes howling, _while holding the goddamn abomination in his bare hand_ , just because I _maybe_ screamed a little.

Finally he gets his shit together long enough to start explaining, and it turns out his new friend is called a nookworm. I shit you not. Apparently there is an actual creature that exists solely for the purpose of being as exactly as gross as it sounds. “They’re all the rage among highbloods,” insisted Sollux, “because shoving a living, breathing eldritch horror _inside your genitalia_ is great idea! Totally fantastic! Perfectly reasonable, even!”

He got it from Terezi. I really wish I was surprised by that.

Aaaaaaand guess who got the honor of watching him try out his shiny new sex toy from hell? God forbid his bestest fucking friend in the whole world miss _that_.

What...oh. Uh...yeah. Um. We’re kind of...doing the quadrant thing. Don’t even ask me which one, I am literally a romantic expert and I am fucking stumped, okay? My life is complicated.

Anyway, so he starts taking his clothes off, all slow and deliberate, and I was like Captor, no. Stop. You are terrible at being seductive at the best of times, and there is no way you’re going to achieve it with a hideous evolutionary fuck-up writhing in front of you. Seriously, you’re just embarrassing yourself.

Did he listen, though? No, of course not, he just laughed his irritatingly nasal little laugh again. Paragon of comedy, that Sollux Captor. So I had to sit through possibly the weirdest and least competent strip-tease in the history of paradox space.

Finally, _finally_ he’s naked, and at this point my bulge was kind of taking an interest in the proceedings because like everything else in the universe it apparently hates me...and, well, fuck, he looked really good like that, all sprawled loosely across the concupiscent platform with his legs spread wide...his bulges curling against his stomach and his nook plump and glistening with arousal...

Fuck. Uh. Shit, where was I. Right. So like I was saying, he’s naked and I’m suddenly really turned o—uh, not opposed to this current state of affairs. So I say look, Sollux, forget about your stupid worm, I can be over there in ten minutes and you can have my bulge instead. I will fuck you through the goddamn platform, okay?

But nope, he goes for horrorterror junior instead. And it was kind of like watching your neighbor get culled, you know? You don’t _want_ to look, but you can’t seem to stop yourself. Captor was going to shove a worm up his nook either way.

He picked it up and kind of gingerly moved it towards himself—at least the moron had the decency to look nervous—and I swear to god, the thing, like, _homed in_ on his nook. It looked like it would have dived right in if he didn’t have a hold on it. Then he took a deep breath and brought it right up against himself, and wow, yeah, it wasted _no_ time going for the gold.

Not gonna lie, it was _way_ sexier than I expected. Sollux’s eyes got all huge and he clutched at the platform and made this _noise_ and I’m sitting there watching as this big, fat worm just spreads his nook wider and wider, and I’m wondering if it’s even gonna _fit_ because it was pretty fucking big and despite all the weird shit he insists on shoving up it, Sollux’s nook is pretty tight. Heh, man, and he loves it when I...

_Anyway_. Pretty soon most of the worm is inside him, and he’s just...wow. On his back, writhing back and forth, toes curling, panting and gasping and making noises _I’ve_ certainly never been able to get out of him, although I’m pretty fucking determined to change that. If a worm can do it, so can Karkat Fucking Vantas, thank you very much.

Speaking of said worm, I was beginning to think I may have judged it too hastily. I mean, I’m not saying I want one anywhere near _my_ junk anytime soon, but Sollux sure looked like he was having a blast. It was a little frustrating, honestly, because watching was great and all but me and my bulge were feeling kind of left out. Seriously, why did the slimy hellspawn get to have all the fun?

...I was not _jealous_ of the fucking _nookworm_ , okay, let’s just make that scintillatingly clear.

By this point my pants were a distant memory and I have to grudgingly admit that maybe Sollux isn’t a complete fuckwit, because I’m watching him thrash and moan and dig his fingers into his thighs as he tries to spread his legs wider and then suddenly his back arches and he _screams_ and that’s it, a couple more tugs and I’m done, except I _forgot a fucking pail_. Of course. Of course I did! Ladies and Gentlemen, my life in a fucking nutshell.

And I didn’t even have the satisfaction of seeing Captor lying in a puddle of his own jizz because lo and behold, apparently nookworms...eat it? Or something? Which pretty much completes their resume as the most disgusting creatures in existence but is also bizarrely useful, so like, chalk up another point for team nasty, I guess. Ugh.

Eventually Sollux sits up and tugs on the end up the worm...aaaaaaand it doesn’t budge. He tugs again. Nothing. Then he starts trying to wiggle it back and forth, but whoops! Looks like Mr. Spunk Swallower’s feeling comfy! And Sollux gets this panicked look on his face and says “Shit, KK, it’s stuck.”

Now, okay, here’s the thing: I’m an asshole. Like, if they gave awards for sheer assholery, the competition might as well not even bother showing up because I would win hands down. Go home, fellow assholes, you just don’t measure up.

So I laughed.

And by laughed, I mean I _howled_. There were tears rolling down my face. I could hardly breathe. It was a dick move on my part, but it was fucking funny at the time, okay, you totally would have laughed too and we both know it. And it’s not like I didn’t intend to _help_ him.

As you may remember, though, Sollux is _also_ a huge asshole, plus he, uh, kind of happens to be apeshit bannanas at computers. And my reaction may have...sort of justifiably pissed him off. A lot.

So yeah, to answer your question, that’s why I need a new husktop. And also why I’m missing my eyebrows. Hey, what—where the fuck do you think you’re going? Get back here!

Fucking lousy customer service.


End file.
